It’s been 18 months since I found that I was being made redundant from a job I loved, and man it has been a journey.
My first response was deep and utter despair. How was I going to find another job? This was the end of the world. I pulled out my trusty CBT Diary app and started working on the problem and in a matter of a few weeks I had reframed this whole scenario. I was going to find an amazing job and was going to meet awesome people and make tonnes of friends.
The spiritual teachers online have told me in the past that I can manifest just what I want and so I started a wish list:
- I wanted to earn over a certain amount
- I wanted a job that challenged me a little but that wouldn’t cause me too much stress.
- I wanted a boss I could respect and a team that I got on with.
- I wanted to start at 9am and for it to be close to home so my journey was short.
- I was to be made redundant at Christmas so I wanted to start on January 2nd.
The list went on, and I believed I could manifest it, everything would be fine. The teachers say it will.
Well, I am sorry to say, the teachers missed out a very important part.. you only get what you want if it’s in your best interest.
I started interviewing in October and landed a job that started January 2nd. There was a wage increase, the environment looked good and it wasn’t that far from home. I’d met the Finance Controller and he seemed a lovely guy… things were going to plan. There was even a remit in the job role that I was to go and help them sort out their accounts that had got in a bit of a mess. I was excited!
After a month there I was fired, being told they were looking for someone “less qualified”. I have my own understanding of what actually went on and I’m not going to share it here, but I can honestly say this broke my faith.
How could all of the spiritual teachers have lied to me? My faith was crushed. Spirit didn’t want me to have what I wanted, It had abandoned me and I was lost. I was also being rejected. I was highly respected in my previous job and now I was being tossed to the curb. It’s hard not to take all of this personally and feel utterly abandoned.. and that is what I did.
All that aside I picked myself up, dusted myself down and started looking for another job.
3 weeks later I started with a big company in their Purchase Ledger department. It wasn’t what I wanted but if Spirit had abandoned me and I couldn’t manifest what I wanted, I would just do what I could to earn a living.
I lasted 2 weeks.
This time the pressure was immense; I was expected to be up to speed in 3 days and processing 200 invoices a day on a system that the managers were denying didn’t work. With the memory of being sacked for being too good fresh in my memory the thought of not being good enough, despite ridiculous expectations, it was all too much. I crashed hard and finally broke. I wasn’t sleeping, I was crying almost constantly, couldn’t eat and just wanted to die. Why was Spirit doing this to me?
I spent the next 5 weeks recovering. It was mid-March by now and I had decided I wasn’t going to start looking for a job until June. With my SAD in mind, I needed to be in a job by July so I could be settled by the time autumn came. In the meantime, I was just going to look after me.
For the first 3 days, my husband sat with me while we watched junk on Netflix. He was my rock and I will be forever grateful. He let me sob when I needed to, held me when I got scared and reassured me that everything was going to be ok. I slowly rebuilt myself, going from sitting in a dark room not letting myself get up because my next step was the medicine cabinet and oblivion, to decorating a spare room listening to audiobooks and podcasts. I did what I wanted when I felt like it and was the epitome of gentle. I was going to stay here till I got bored and wanted a job.
In mid-April I got a voicemail from an agency. I wasn’t going to pick it up but there was something different about this one. I had met Debbie at Debbie Burbage Recruitment back in October and after the interview had commented on the crystals in a cabinet in the corner. From there a deep conversation about crystals, reiki and Spirit followed and I felt she was different from the other soulless agencies I had dealt with. If Debbie was calling this might be something worth hearing about.
I called and it turned out there was a job that she thought would be perfect for me. I explained what had happened and that I had no idea how I could get a job with the recent past sitting on my CV. She told not to worry and she would work that out.
The interview notification came through and I could tell I was being looked after. The Finance Controller who was interviewing me was based in Devon so my interview would be done over the phone. I didn’t even need to wear a suit!! The second interview came around and this time I needed to go in to meet the FC. The great thing was I already been given the reassurance that I wasn’t meeting a complete stranger, this person already thought I was a good option.
I walked into a sparkly fresh office and saw an espresso machine in the kitchen. Those who know me will know that, although I don’t drink a lot of coffee, I refuse to drink instant. I took this as a good omen. A few weeks later I was offered the job and started late April. I hadn’t even started looking for a job and this had been handed to me. Maybe Spirit was on my side.
The good things kept coming, I was getting a substantial pay rise, the location was perfect and I could start at 9am with some flexibility. When I started my first week there was a stark contrast to the previous role. Whereas in the last job I needed to be up to speed in 3 days, I wasn’t expected to do anything at all for the first 3 days other than settle in and learn some basics. I can tell you, I was stunned and very, very grateful. 5 months on I am still there and settling in well.
So what did I learn from all of this? I like to find a positive take away when big things happen and there had to be one here. It became clear, Spirit didn’t want me to find a job straight away. It wanted me to go through the process of facing my terror of being unemployed.
I had been unemployed once before and it was one of the darkest times in my life. The thought of going back there terrified me and not to mention the shame being unemployed would bring. I also had a big problem with spending money when I should be earning. I had been given a substantial redundancy package, I could afford to take time out, but that money was for saving, not living on! In so many ways, being unemployed felt like the worst thing that could happen to me and all that work trying to manifest the perfect job was me avoiding the bigger lesson.
Once again I find myself saying that whilst the spiritual teachers have a great message, they’re not always right. We can’t always manifest what we want, sometimes Spirit knows what we need and that is what we get. I am certain that there will come another time when there is a big picture lesson that I will try to ignore and will come crashing down as I am put in my place. I just hope I remember this part of my journey and trust that once you’ve done the hard thing, what you need is handed to you.
This job isn’t perfect, there are challenges I am having to face, but I am trying to see them as more lessons to learn rather than a failure. As the wise words of a good friend say “if you’re still here, there’s more to learn”.