It’s just dawned on me why I don’t get on with solo meditation… it feels like forced peace.
I’ve just come out for my lunchtime walk and I’m sat in a quiet corner in the park. I have my salad, my journal, birds singing, flowers blooming, the wind in the trees, sun shining and butterflies fluttering…. this is peace! This is where I connect to my truth. Not in some room with low light and tacky music!
I realise sitting here that meditation has expectation, there is a goal to be worked towards, a goal that will never be reached. This sets up an anxiety loop that destroys any possibility of peace.
Then there is the routine. Same time every day, sit in the same place, go through the same routine to reach said goal, fail because my brain has other ideas, feel pissed off, give up and vow that meditation is not for me.
Going for a walk there are no expectations. Yes, I leave at the same time, and I carry the same lunch bag and handbag with sitting mat, journal and phone, and I start on the same journey… but then I follow my spirit, I go where I am called and I sit where and when I feel like it. The scenery is different, the weather is different… but the constant is the land, my higher power, and the solitude that I feel while I am walking. I gain more insight into the workings of my soul when walking in nature (man, this doesn’t even compare to what I feel at the beach) than I possibly could sitting in a dark room chasing something I am never going to reach.
I have to be happy with this, but it gets so hard when everyone’s response to my stuff is “meditate”… I get it is good for so many people.. but somehow I have to stand my ground and trust that this is not the way I work.